Forgetting what Lies Behind, and Pressing Onward

Philippians 3:13b-14 says:  "Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."  ESV

There is also a song, Before the Throne of God Above.  One of the lines is:  "When Satan Tempts me to despair and tells me of the guilt within, upward I look, and see Him there, who made an end of all my sin"  (Song Credit to Sovereign Grace Music)

It's been a good year for me.  It started out hard, but, as is typical in my life, it had an Ebeneezer moment in which the Lord rearranged my thinking and it became a good year. Widowhood is a journey, and there are many Ebeneezer moments...those "God had helped me come thus far" moments.  We grieve, we stretch, we grow. Then the cycle repeats.  We thrive in the love that others bestow on us. 

Then came October. The beginning of the end of the Second Year. 

This three months, October, November, and December, are filled with very. hard. memories.  There is no other way to describe them.  I have a text thread with my kids, as well as similar threads with friends, that describe in great detail the events of those three months two years ago. I read all of the events last year this time, and it was eye opening to see how hard it had been.  I thought it was all dealt with last year and I had moved on.  

Then came this October.  I was tooling along doing pretty well.  Enjoying family, friends, my job, church relationships, all in a pleasantly socially distanced manner. Then I started feeling the pull to go back, to rehash, to relive the last three months of Daryl's life. It tugged at me and invited me to wallow.  To remember all of the hard.  It felt like what I was supposed to do in order to remember Daryl well.  To remember those terrible months.  To relive the ache of what we went through.

Then the words to the song floated through my mind..."When Satan Tempts me to despair...and tell me of the guilt within..."  Oh yeah.  I remembered the guilt.  What I did, what I didn't.  And suddenly I realized that it was Satan tempting me...I really didn't feel despair in my soul...I felt joy.  I felt like God has called me to live well.  The temptation to despair was not from the Lord...it was from Satan...

I fled temptation.  I ran.  Upward I looked, and saw HIM there...the Lord...and my soul sank into His love.  He was not calling me to sink into despair, but to look upward.  To look into His Word.  

THEN...Philippians 3:13b-14 ran through my soul.  "Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead...I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus"

Some things can be encumbrances...those memories, rehashed, and re-rehashed, are encumbrances.  It was time to stop rehashing.  Time to press onward toward the goal.  Toward the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 

So I am replacing the bad memories by remembering good things.  His love for family.  Family vacations.  Anniversary celebrations.  Trips with Grandkids.  His zany sense of humor.  His love for the Lord's church and those he shepherded.

One of my neighbors suggested I plant a tree in my front yard (which is now bereft of trees...but that's another story) and call it Daryl's Tree.  I will pick up that tree tomorrow (a fire dragon shantung maple) on my lunch break and soon will plant it in the front yard.  Every time I see it, I think I will try to grace it with a good memory. And there are a lot of very. good. memories!