Taking Every Thought Captive....

I learned early on in my marriage the lesson of taking my thoughts captive to the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Our hearts have been declared by God to be untrustworthy.  Eve trusted her emotions and heart and look where that got us....so I eventually began the practice of taking my thoughts captive and redirecting them according to what Scripture teaches.

So, when my thought paths stray from the Word of God, then I have to reign them in and quote Scripture to them.  Like Early motherhood when you would do anything for more sleep.  Or when the desire for a clean house became an unattainable idol.  Those life challenges that make you turn selfishly inward because you want what you want. And you long for what you can't have with a fervor that is debilitating, instead of finding contentment in where you are and in what God has you doing.  

Not long after Daryl passed, I had a pity party that lasted several hours.  Everybody around me was in pairs, getting to do fun, normal, middle age things together.  When I realized that I was starting to sink into self pity and self absorption, I had to step back and take those thoughts captive.  I reminded myself that God is good.  He is in control, and is sovereignly loving and kind.  To become aware of the fickleness of my heart, and that I was focused on myself and not on the Lord.  It's not that grieving is bad, or to be shortened. It's very real.  It's very personal.  It has to be embraced as part of loss.  It's just that I needed to keep grieving headed in the right direction.  Each day, I have to continue that process.  We had to do it a lot when we dealt with frequent fevers and antibiotics and hospitals and emergency rooms.  To be tempted to believe that God wasn't fair.  That He wasn't kind to my Daryl.  That it was all just too much and I couldn't go on.  I sometimes wanted to run away and just be normal.

But God wasn't to be glorified in my "happy normal place".  He was to be glorified in the battleground of caring for Daryl, emergency rooms, chemo, hospitals, doctors.  In the way Daryl endured with patience and grace those things that he was called to endure. And now, in my life alone.  And when I released my desires and trusted His hand, it was sweet.  Normal was not where we belonged.  We were together, and we were doing those things God called us to do with cheerfulness. Now I belong where I am.  Grieving with Hope.  Living in Hope.  It all keeps coming back to hope....

Who will call 911?

So....practical questions began to assail me.  Who will call 911 if I choke?  Or if I get really sick....who will know?  Fears pushed on my thoughts way too frequently.

I developed a plan for anything I could walk through, like choking.  I would call Linda next door and if I couldn't say anything, she would come looking for me.  I would head for the cul-de-sac, and if I passed out someone would eventually find me.

One big fear was my heart.  As a kid, I had rheumatic fever, and the family kept all my physical activity restricted.  Most of my extended family died with heart related things, and my sister and I may be the only family members without stents!

I (long story short) ended up getting a heart catheterization in Houston while visiting my kids.  It had been scheduled in Bedford for the next week due to a negative stress test, and I was pretty nervous.  Chest pains ended up sending me to the ER, (at the BEST hospital in Texas for heart related issues!)  and the catheterization revealed good, reasonably clear arteries.  Much of the fear dissipated.  I was a bit distressed that I had to rely on a test instead of my trust in my loving heavenly Father, but it was incredibly relieving to know my heart is okay.

I took a fall one day, and the Lord sent kind ladies to drive me to the Care Now, and other friends to take me to Baylor for a CT scan (the care now called me "of an age to check on brain damage").  All was clear.

My neighbors check on me if I'm late getting home.  They want to know that I am safely tucked into my house.  If I'm not home reasonably early, I get a query text.  I'm loved!

Through each of these emergencies, the Lord provided help.  And my confidence has grown in trust that He will provide me with someone to call 911 when and if I need it.

The Ring

When do you take off your wedding ring? That was a crazy hard question. I felt attached to it, and I also felt a little weird wearing it…like, I was lying or something. I couldn’t find any Emily Post advice. Friends and family all said “Whatever you want or feel like.” There was no Scriptural rule for wearing it or not. I needed a rule, a closure moment, something that would make sense.

On February 14, I woke up, knowing it was Valentines Day. And then I had my answer. Today was the day. I would wear it all day, remembering the joy of our 43 years together. Being grateful for his love, his faithfulness, and for my own love and faithfulness toward him. And then, I would take it off.

Which I did. It was perfect closure for a love well lived