Taking Every Thought Captive....

I learned early on in my marriage the lesson of taking my thoughts captive to the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Our hearts have been declared by God to be untrustworthy.  Eve trusted her emotions and heart and look where that got us....so I eventually began the practice of taking my thoughts captive and redirecting them according to what Scripture teaches.

So, when my thought paths stray from the Word of God, then I have to reign them in and quote Scripture to them.  Like Early motherhood when you would do anything for more sleep.  Or when the desire for a clean house became an unattainable idol.  Those life challenges that make you turn selfishly inward because you want what you want. And you long for what you can't have with a fervor that is debilitating, instead of finding contentment in where you are and in what God has you doing.  

Not long after Daryl passed, I had a pity party that lasted several hours.  Everybody around me was in pairs, getting to do fun, normal, middle age things together.  When I realized that I was starting to sink into self pity and self absorption, I had to step back and take those thoughts captive.  I reminded myself that God is good.  He is in control, and is sovereignly loving and kind.  To become aware of the fickleness of my heart, and that I was focused on myself and not on the Lord.  It's not that grieving is bad, or to be shortened. It's very real.  It's very personal.  It has to be embraced as part of loss.  It's just that I needed to keep grieving headed in the right direction.  Each day, I have to continue that process.  We had to do it a lot when we dealt with frequent fevers and antibiotics and hospitals and emergency rooms.  To be tempted to believe that God wasn't fair.  That He wasn't kind to my Daryl.  That it was all just too much and I couldn't go on.  I sometimes wanted to run away and just be normal.

But God wasn't to be glorified in my "happy normal place".  He was to be glorified in the battleground of caring for Daryl, emergency rooms, chemo, hospitals, doctors.  In the way Daryl endured with patience and grace those things that he was called to endure. And now, in my life alone.  And when I released my desires and trusted His hand, it was sweet.  Normal was not where we belonged.  We were together, and we were doing those things God called us to do with cheerfulness. Now I belong where I am.  Grieving with Hope.  Living in Hope.  It all keeps coming back to hope....