The next lesson, I believe, was Hope. I really plugged along pretty well for a few weeks. I was riding the adrenalin, which I'm sure people watched and waited for the crash, which I'll post about later. I was continually glad for Daryl being Home, away from the pain and not having to experience the next level of pain.
One of his favorite topics was Hope. The Hope verses were very near and dear to him. One day we found one of those painted rocks at Texas Oncology, and it simply read, "HOPE". Needless to say, I brought it home!
I knew I shouldn't make big changes in my life. I also knew that I had a fresh opportunity to make a new start on my own health, diet, and exercise. I really wanted to do this living thing well. And as I read verses on how we as believers grieve, but not without hope. I always perceived that hope being for the deceased, the confidence that they were with our Lord Jesus. The hope that we would see them again. But for me, the meaning expanded. I believed that I was grieving, but not without hope for what the Lord wanted to do in MY life, too! That although I had to move forward without Daryl, there was hope of a future in which God would lead me to do His next chapter for my life. That was really encouraging.
I had hope of continued friendships as people invited me to do breakfast and lunch and even a few suppers. I was encouraged that I wasn't being excluded from my friends' lives just because I was suddenly single. People brought meals to me, as well. I hadn't cooked since October, since I lived at the hospital and the Carlyle with Daryl, and I don't think I had to cook much in the next month either.
I started reading grief notes from a class that my friend Michelle took. It's actually been helpful. I could see myself all over the place on the "grief chart". I did a lot of my grieving during Daryl's last year, especially the last two months. Several people ask me where I am in the grief cycle. I could see where I experienced many of the steps over the last few months before he died. Some things, I don't see. With Daryl's long illness, my story of grief is very different to someone who lost a loved one suddenly. On the other hand, I did have a LOT of questions for the Lord as we walked through this journey...I asked Him if he was watching his servant Daryl suffer....and why didn't He think it was a good idea to heal Daryl after all the people He healed in the Bible. I had LOTS of those types of questions. It also surprised me how many of the emotions described in the grief cycle that I did experience. I asked Daniel to ask Kent Kloder what he thought of the grief cycle. I'm always so wary of behavioral lists...and he said that psychologists make many accurate observations of general human nature. And that a large part of the grief cycle falls into that category. However, it tends to be in the application of those observations that they fail sometimes....omitting God's work in our hearts, and excusing "camping out" in some of those emotions, when we should be taking some thoughts captive to the Word of God.
So, I am trying to be honest with myself about the emotions that are marching through my heart right now, and making sure that the whiny ones are not allowed to be something I park on . For instance, when I hit loneliness. The loneliness is a very real emotion, and a very real fact. I realized I'm lonely and admitted it is a very real fact of my life. I miss Daryl's companionship, and his company. Even on a bad day, we would sit in the recliners and hold hands and enjoy watching TV together (or, in most cases, falling asleep holding hands). But it was still sweet companionship. One day, I found myself rolling it around and around in my head, camping on it, sinking deeper and deeper into the sadness of the emotion. I realized that I had to take that thought captive and examine it in light of Scripture. Yes, I'm lonely. That's valid. Now, what is next? What does the Lord have for me to do? How can I take that loneliness and deal with it, and use it for His glory? I should think about how I can serve Him, and use this time wisely. I should take care of my body, get rest, diet, and exercise. Now I have time to pay attention to that. I can get back involved in ministry, back into the library. I can reach out to the family, and the kids and friends, and see where I can serve them. I can work more efficiently, and please my boss. Taking those lonely thoughts captive led me back into hope, seeing things I can do to utilize this new freedom and potential. I'm still lonely, but I'm not letting it sink me now.
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